Shaddup You Banjo

In a band that plays a lot of Bluegrass, you can never have too many banjo jokes. The following have been adapted from Joe Dolce's news letter - worth subscribing to for a weekly laugh.

You may remember Joe Dolce as the man with the 70s hit song Shaddup You Face. Joe is also part of the new Countdown Spectacular revival stage show touring Australia in July /August.

For the Canonical Collection of Banjo Jokes (about 270 jokes) see the High & Lonesome web site.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: "That's the banjo player's Porsche."

Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.

Q: What do you call a bajno player in a three-piece suit?
A: The defendant.

Q: What did the banjo player get on his IQ Test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do call a bano player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What's the similarity between a banjo player and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two banjo players reading off the same part.

Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind-driven manually operated pitch approximator.

Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.

Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.

Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by banjo solos.

Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead banjo player in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.

Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a banjo player's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

Q: How do you get a banjo player off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What's the definition of optimism?
A: A banjo player with a beeper.

Q: Why do drummers leave a pair of drumsticks on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.

Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A: You can tune a chain saw.

Q: What do a banjo and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball farther with a bassoon.

Q: Why are a banjo player's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q. What is a glissando?
A: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.

Q: What's the perfect weight of a banjo player?
A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.

Q: What do you do if you run over a banjo player?
A: Back up.

Q: How do you get a three-piece horn section to play in tune?
A: Shoot two of them.

Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
A: They aren't. Violists' heads are smaller.

Q: Why are bagpipe players always moving?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q: What's the definition of a relative minor?
A: The banjo player's girlfriend.

Boom Boom!